The Ex-gay psyche by Jim Marjoram

 CHRIS WRITES:
Anybody who has had the bathroom floor experience with God....(whether a single one or one of many...and the phrase is...as you received Christ as Lord...inner desperation.....so walk in Him...inner desperation)...cannot, regardless of sexual orientation...well I wanted to say orientation, but like gay, i think it's a n Illuminati phrase attached to a minority group, that they plan to first raise up, then later smash, as they did in Hitler's Germany....remember Berlin decadence, then concentration camps.....they took their first potshot by inventing AIDS and trying it out in SanFrancisco.....

nope this blog article stands out for much bigger and very perceptive reasons

To me it epitomises the whole of first and secondlevel Christianity.
You see, as in the natural, so in the Spirit.
Your inner agenda is what the 1st and 2nd Commandment are about....and to be quite honest....NOTHING BUT THE RELEASE of JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF in your inner being, is ever going to fulfil those two commandments of LOVE DRIVE.

Jim speaks here of subverting homosexual drives with overlays of religious activity.
Well it never worked subverting my sexual drives.
I was a published charismatic songwriter. And the songs that never got out to the wider world certainly were sung in all sorts of groups, Exeter University at times, and the churches I was involved with.
I led worship.
Then in Emsworth we as a bunch were taught how to take things to the nth degree leading in worship.
BUT ALL OF THIS WAS NO HELP.

Romans 7 TIME.

BIG TIME.

Gay, lover of women, lover of purple headed dolphins from Mars....none of it is any help unless Christ can break through the whole deluded self image of being a "Genesis 3" separate being, a self-empowered god.
When as Romans 7 shows us clearly...not off the page...but as St Paul experienced it and graphically relays it...it is the literal "revelation of sin in the flesh".
I can only articulate it like this....
It's a marionette suddenly waking up to the fact that all this time it has felt independent...but for the first time learns the devastating truth...IT ONLY WORKS BY STRINGS. Yup, that's right , "Human beings" only "work" by spirit operator.

I digress....Here's JIM......

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I'm going to go out on a limb here, and make some assumptions about people I don't personally know. Not something I would normally do, but bear with me.

As most of you may know by now, I spent many years in ex-gay reparative therapy. In fact most of my life involved some sort of attempt at becoming "straight".

My most concerted effort was with Living Waters, a part of Desert Streams ministries run by Andrew Comisky.

Without spending ages going into the details of how it all worked, there was a disturbing psychological aspect that I began to see in everyone who claimed to be healed/set free/changed etc. I call it religious obsession. I'm sure a psychologist would have more interesting terms for it!

What seems to happen is a purposeful setting up pf a system of dualism in their minds in an attempt to subvert the "temptations of the flesh" (ie homosexuality). This involves embracing the view that we are worthless scum (generalisation, but basically true) and focusing more and more on Jesus and the aspects of his blood and crucifixion. The pull to keep deferring to the religious activities of confession, humility (or perhaps self abasement), self examination etc, become obsessive as the core issue of being gay refuses to go away.

The result of this is an avoidance of the real issue by smothering it with religious activity - activity of the mind as well as ritual. Constant efforts at self-brainwashing through reading the bible, supportive literature, accountability to other equally obsessed people until that's all they can think about.

The end result is people who have deep sexual incongruity, low self-esteem that is forever being propped up by religious performance, judgementalism, and an inability to communicate with anyone outside of their paradigm.

Andy Comisky is a very clear example of this, especially since he has converted to Roman Catholicism. Reading his more recent blogs, its easy to see how he has become totally lost in this obsession in an attempt to override and divert his mind from the core issues. This is really common amongst all these guys, and when you take a step back from it you realise how creepy and disturbing it really is. The longer they go on, the more detached from reality they become.

Time and time again we see guys involved in ex-gay ministry "fall". But they don't have affairs or encounters with women, as one would expect if they had been cured and were tempted like straight guys. They go back to their core sexual identity... hmmm.

There is an incredible unreality to it all, a lack of integrity and congruity. There's a retreat into a fantasy world. Its a denial of all we are in God, a slap in Jesus' face and an exercise in creating a God of our own design.

It would just be sad if it wasn't for the deceptive power these people hold over weak and vulnerable guys, desperate to understand who they are.

So yeah, I've made something of a judgement on Andy and others like him. But I've been there and know how it works. I've seen it and experienced it. What a waste of life.